Along Came A Spider
by Beckett Simpleton
Summary: Butler decides to introduce Artemis to some rational thinking when he freaks out over a spider. Artemis is about three. Oh! Two shot! Years later, Butler stumbles upon Artemis with unsuspected eight-legged company
1. Follower of Satan

_**Along came a spider**_

**Artemis probably never had arachnophobia. Well bully for him. And if one of you complains of my portrayal of the fear then I should tell you that I HAVE ARACNOPHOBIA! I.e. a pathological fear of spiders.**

It's just _there, _staring at me. With those tiny, eight eyes. It's evil and it _huge._

There's a spider on my doorframe. It's probably been there for days. I just saw it now, as I turned to walk out of my room, I saw it. The evil cursed follower of Satin.

When I saw it, I whimpered a high pitched, girly noise that would, under any other circumstances, make me cringe, but this time, it was perfectly justified. I felt my heart race, and my breath come in gasps, the sudden irrational impulse to run and hide. Part of my brain's screaming at me. _SCREAM! RUN! HIDE! _I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. _It's just a spider, _my rational half says. _Just a pathological fear. It's nothing to be frightened of._

If one more person tells me a spider is more scared of me then I am of it, I will scream. Don't they know _I know, _that I am being irrational? Do they think I think it's a lion, or a poisonous snake?

I feel sick. It moves upwards, so it is about my shoulder height and I feel like I am going to faint.

It's hairy legs move fluently, gliding over the glazed wood. It stops, scuttles around and goes back down again. It reaches the floor and extends one long leg cautiously to test my pale brown carpet. On finding that it can stand on it, the creature lets the rest of it's body drop.

I stagger back and my breathing quickens. The closer it gets, the harder it is to move and my chest gets tighter. Finally, it is a few inches from me and I feel my head swimming. It scuttles forwards and my chest wheezes. It clambers onto my bare foot and I regain the ability to move. I shriek and jerk my leg outwards, but it hangs on and crawls up my leg. I scream louder, my heart's going like a drum roll and I feel ill. I mean to say 'Mother' or 'Butler' but I'm too panicked to get the words out properly, but I can hear them both running to my rescue.

It's up my pyjama leg, I can feel it on my shin. The world's spinning and I'm still shaking my leg like crazy. Finally, listening to my rational side, I pull my trousers off with shaking hands and fling them to the other side of the room and Butler bursts in the room, closely followed by Mother.

I'm still screaming and I'm shaking all over and Mummy picks me up quickly and gives me a hug. "It's alright, Arty," she says. I wonder how she knows that. It most certainly is not alright. The spider is still in my room.

"Butler! Get-it-out-get-it-out-get-it-out!"

I can see him smiling. He thinks it's funny. But I also see his hands close around something. He's got it. He leaves the room and goes down stairs. I hope he places it far from the house. Where it won't come back in.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Butler put the spider outside. I saw him go outside. I'm safe. It's gone. I'm fine.

I am sitting at the kitchen table, watching Butler prepare supper. I'm tired. I'm dozing off. I wonder vaguely what he's making. It smells nice. My eyelids droop for a moment and when I wake, Butler is standing in front of me, his hands cupped so that I cannot see what's inside.

"Artemis?" he asks, sounding sly. I look at his hands apprehensively.

"What are you holding!" I demand, starting to panic. Maybe he didn't put the spider back after all. Maybe he tricked me.

"Hold out your hands, please, Artemis," he asks. I grit my teeth and extend them a few inches.

"Trust me," he says softly and I extend them a little further.

"Is it a spider?" I ask suspiciously.

"Not the one you're thinking of." He replies.

_There's more then one in the house!_

Butler drops the thing in the palm of my right hand. I close my eyes. I feel eight tiny pads touch my hands and I scream.

"BUTLER!"

"Shush!" Butler hisses, and holds my hands in his. He could crush my fingers with one hand, but I'm not scared. He could crack my skull with one swipe, but I don't sweat. He could have just put a spider in my hands. I feel myself start to hyperventilate.

"Look in your hands," Butler commands. Not thinking that I am the commander in the relationship, I obey him and look at our hands. He pulls his huge spades away from my tiny, shaking hands and I see a tiny jelly spider in my palm.

I take a deep breath and calm myself down, but I don't laugh. It's not funny. He's taking the mick out of me. It's not funny.

"That was not funny, Butler," I tell him, truthfully.

Butler smiles at me. "It wasn't supposed to be funny, but I find it intriguing that you think I would put a real spider in your hands. You need to think over your fear. How likely is it that I am going to put something that you are deathly afraid of in your hands? I am your protector. Think rationally, not instinctively. And you will get over it."

I nod.

"Please tell me that you did not think that was the only spider in the house?" he asks, still smiling.

I shake my head. I lie.

"Artemis, there are lots and lots of spiders all over the house, I'm not going to kid you by telling you that's the last you'll see of one. Come here."

I follow Butler out the room and he takes me to the cellar. It's wooden and it's _infested _with spiders. I shudder and hug myself. Butler knows I'm scared and lifts me up. He knows I don't want to stand on the spider-y floor.

He flicks on the light and I see it. It's staring at me. The follower of Satin.

I scream.

Butler waits patiently for me to stop. The noise shudders to a wavering halt and I shake in Butler's arms.

"I won't tell you that it's more scared of you, because you already know that. What I will tell you is to consider what you think you should do now."

I think.

"I should walk out of the room, because I don't like the spider. And I should avoid the room, because I know there are spiders in here. And I should walk out the room and tell someone else if there is a spider in my room, right?"

Butler nods.

"You gonna eat that jelly?" he asks. I don't bother pointing out all the cringe-worthy grammatical errors in the sentence, I just look up at him sarcastically.

"Farther says-"

Butler sighs. "That sweets rot your teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard him. You're a kid, Artemis. You're allowed at eat a few sweets. One or two won't kill you."

I smile and put the thing in my mouth. I shuddered, feeling the eight legs inside my mouth and remove it.

"I'm not taking it back now. I stole that from Juliet. I don't think she'll want it back either."

I laugh at Butler's comment and regard the now slimy spider in my hand. I carefully remove each of it's legs and eat them individually.

Butler rolls his eyes. _That was _ridiculously_ logical thinking. Putting it in the bin was obviously just too easy._


	2. Beautiful Creatures, Wouldn't You Agree?

**I got some people suggesting that I continue this, so here I am. Thank you for all the reviews, by the way. And to Minerva Elizabeth for adding it to her collection. I don't check my emails much, so when I go in, there's probably be, like 1000 000 emails from telling me various things. *sigh***

**I do not own Artemis. Unfortunately. But I own his childhood! Mwhahaha! No, just kidding, but I love mini Arty stories. *hint hint* (Seriously, if you have a mini Arty story that I haven't already reviewed, PM me and tell me, shameless advertising it may be, but you'll get a review out of it so who cares?)**

Artemis was in the Fowl Manor lab, standing over a tank with his hands outstretched when Butler walked in on him. Artemis didn't turn around, but Butler was willing to bet he'd heard the door close. Artemis didn't miss anything.

His young charge was holding his hands together, tipping them left and right alternately, a small smile on his face. Not his sarcastic smile. His 'I just found something amazing' smile.

"Artemis, what are you doing?"

Artemis didn't jump, conforming Butler's previous suspicion.

For an answer, Artemis tipped his hands away from his bodyguard, shielding whatever was in them, and tapped it, encouraging whatever it was to move. To Butler's amazement, a huge brown hairy tarantula crawled onto the back of Artemis' hands, staring at Butler from upside-down.

"Artemis, that's a spider…"

Artemis looked up at him, his face disappointed. "Oh well done, Butler. And actually, it's a tarantula, not a common spider. Don't insult the creature."

"But Artemis, you hate spiders." Butler insisted, bewildered.

Artemis' disappointed look only deepened. "Yes, Butler," he said, as if talking to a mentally challenged man. "Because I would hold one in my hand if I were arachnophobia, yes?"

Butler stopped himself from shaking his head in disbelief. A couple of years ago, a spider that big would probably have caused him to pass out in fear, and now he was cooing over it as if it were a puppy.

"The way they move is fabulous, wouldn't you agree?"

_What!_

"Yes, Artemis. Quite."

"So fluid. And then there's us humans. So obvious and clumsy. Even a ninja couldn't be this inconspicuously beautiful."

_Inconspicuously beautiful? He's six years old for heaven's sake!_

"Agreed."

"Butler, I am getting the impression you are mindlessly agreeing with me here." Artemis scowled.

"Apologies, Master Artemis. I was reminiscing."

Artemis nodded, gently tipping the spider into it's tank and washing his hands.

"Understood. But I doubt you came in here to admire my tarantula. What's the problem?"

Butler pulled himself back to the present. "You dinner is ready, sir. And please, make sure that spi-"

"Tarantula."

"That tarantula," Butler amended, "stays in that tank. You know how your mother is."

"Yes, yes. I know how to fasten a lid, Butler, have faith," he responded, clicking the catch down on the top of the tank. A hairy leg poked itself through one of the holes, almost as if it were waving.

"Artemis, I would appreciate it if you would not regard me as if I am simple. I have been around longer than you, even if you are a genius," Butler said, aware that bringing Artemis' manner to attention could cause a tantrum.

"I apologise, Butler. But sometimes, you know, you could fool me into thinking you have just wandered away," Artemis replied airily, stepping under the arm Butler had out to hold the lab door for him.

"And you know," he added in afterthought. "A child I may be, but I am most certainly not silly enough to be trifled by such things as _spiders_. They do you no harm. Honestly. You'd think someone would tell those arachnophobics, hmm?"

Butler stifled a groan.

"Yes, Artemis. You'd think so, hmm."

**A bit drabble-y, but I need a break from writing Alexander. Well, there you go! It's not getting any longer than that, I promise you.**


End file.
